Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Women's Golf Places Second at PING/ASU Invitational

April 6, 2008

The Arizona State third-ranked women's golf team placed second at the PING/ASU Spring Invitational. The Sun Devils shot 1-over 865 (288-292-285), 12 strokes behind first place USC (281-288-285) the par-72, 6,230-yard ASU Karsten Golf Course.

"I was very pleased with how we did," said ASU head coach Melissa Luellen. "USC played so well this week. We played good golf and they played great golf. We played very solid golf this weekend and have nothing to hang ourselves up over. I feel like we're building some momentum that's exactly what we wanted to do heading into the post-season."

Anna Nordqvist came close repeating as tournament champion. The sophomore All-American forced tournament leader Dewi Schreefel of USC into sudden death after making three birdies on the back nine. Nordqvist missed the green on the 18th hole allowing Schreefel to par the hole and claim the individual honors. Nordqvist finished the tournament 7-under 209 (70-70-69).

"I know Anna's disappointed that she didn't pull through," said Luellen. "She hit into a tough spot on that second playoff hole and missed a short put on her first playoff hole. You never miss a short put on a playoff hole and after this I can promise you she won't ever again."

Junior All-American Azahara Munoz moved up three spots from round two to tie for third overall shooting a 4-under 212 (73-70-69). Junior All-American Jennifer Osborn also finished strong, tying for 11th overall carding a 2-over 218 (72-75-71).

"It's great to have Anna back in the battle because she had faltered a little bit," Luellen said. "Aza was great and Jen was `Jen' again. I was just really pleased. It was a good tounament."

Rounding out the lineup, Juliana Murcia shot 10-over 226 (73-77-76) to tie for 42nd while Camila Sola tied for 70th at 20-over 236 (78-81-77).

Two Sun Devils competed as individuals. Liisa Kelo shot 20-over 236 (73-81-82) to tie for 70th while graduate Brooke Todare placed 75th at 21-over 237 (81-78-78).

Next up, the Sun Devils attempt to repeat as Pac-10 Champions at the Palos Verdes Golf Course in Palos Verdes, Calif. The tournament will begin April 21st.

Restoration of Papago finally set to begin

With the final i's dotted and t's crossed, the Arizona Golf Association and city of Phoenix are ready to begin the long-overdue project of restoring Papago Golf Course.

The Phoenix City Council gave its stamp of approval Wednesday to the project, in which the AGA was put in charge of the restoration and has agreed to manage the course for at least 25 years.

The city is hosting an event for Papago loyalists today. The AGA will host an appreciation day, including a round of golf, followed by a groundbreaking ceremony, at 2:30 p.m. Friday. Renovation will begin Monday.

Securing funding for the project was the final hurdle, and the AGA cleared that last week when the city's Industrial Development Authority approved $12.5 million in revenue bonds. Compass Bank is the financial partner.

AGA Executive Director Ed Gowan doesn't hold back when asked what he expects Papago to become as a result of the project.

"The best public golf course in the Southwest," Gowan said matter-of-factly. "That's our goal. We think the design is that good.

"To some people, it might not look like some of the courses in north Scottsdale with their boulder formations and desert landscape. But with the buttes and the design, I think it's going to be something special."

The course, which was designed by the late Billy Bell and once was regarded as one of the better municipal layouts in the country, is scheduled to reopen Nov. 1. When that happens:

• Peak-season greens fees will be a maximum of $44 (not including cart) for golfers who possess a city golf card. Non-card holders will be charged a maximum of $115 (excluding cart). In the summer months of 2009, the greens fees will be about $20 for cardholders and $40 for non-cardholders. The rates are applicable until Oct. 31, 2009, and might be adjusted after that date to keep up with the cost of living, but they wouldn't be raised more than 5 percent.

• The 44-year-old layout, which has deteriorated in recent years, will be restored as closely as possible to its original design, although some length will be added with expanded tees on some holes. Greens will be enlarged, bunkering will be restored and all of the turf will be replaced.

• The antiquated irrigation system will be replaced, and the practice facilities and pro shop will be upgraded. The clubhouse will receive a facelift, but plans call for an extensive renovation or a new clubhouse within three years.

"Our National Golf Foundation consultant and the bank have both said the clubhouse is critical to the plan and bringing in the kind of revenue we need at the course," said Rob Harman of the city Parks Department.

"What form that will take, we're not sure yet. It could be a whole new clubhouse or a major renovation, but we're giving the AGA a three-year time frame to get it done."

Some Papago loyalists formed an opposition group, headed by Larry McLennan and Joe Hume, when the AGA partnership was granted by the city. Their Save Papago Golf group has become less vocal in recent weeks, but McLennan said serious concerns remain, particularly with the project's financing.

"Their financial projections are overly optimistic," McLennan said. "They would have to exceed what the course does now by at least 75 percent to even come close. Their figures defy logic."

That group also has concerns about the AGA's ability to operate the property successfully and believes that another bidder, Bellows Golf Management, would have been a better choice because of its resources and track record with course projects.

"Now (the AGA) will have to deliver something they have never been successful at," McLennan said.

One of the main goals of the city and AGA is to attract high-profile tournaments, such as a mid-level U.S. Golf Association championship or a pro tour event. Harman said he also hopes Papago can be re-established as the site of qualifying for the FBR Open, an event it hosted for many years before it was moved in 2004.

"We'll pursue those events, and I think over time we will have some of them," Gowan said.